Jesus First

He walked away, about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22: 41-42, NLT).

Oh, man, do I want what I want. Do you know what I mean? We live in a society that affords us the ability to receive whatever we want, almost instantaneously. We can receive deliveries from Amazon in one to two days for free with a Prime membership. We have automatic access to listen to almost any song imaginable through Spotify and Apple Music with a minimal monthly payment. Kroger Clicklist, which, for a small fee, allows us to designate a specific time frame for pickup to have our groceries delivered to our car. Wow. In a world revolving around instant access at little to no charge or inconvenience, no wonder waiting has become increasingly difficult, and our patience levels wear thin so quickly. I’m thankful I’m not alone in this, but I have found this shift in expectation can sometimes have a detrimental effect on my ability to trust the Lord and His timing in fulfilling the desires of my heart.

That has, unfortunately, reared its ugly head in my life recently. But, as He always does, the Lord took what the enemy intended for evil and provided an amazing visual to remind me that, in my waiting, He is working. As I’ve shared with you before, I’ve longed for the blessing of being a wife and a mother. The enemy loves to attack my mind and heart in this regard by feeding me lies that diminish my hope of the Lord fulfilling those desires in my future. I have struggled for a long time to protect my heart and the desires that I fully believe are from the Lord.

I recently found myself struggling with doubt and diminishing hope for a future as a wife and mom. I know this isn’t from the Lord, and I truly believe He wants to fulfill those desires of my heart, but sometimes I just get worn down from fighting the battle. Though the desires of our hearts may be different and our battles may present themselves in various ways, I am certain each of you can relate to this type of struggle. As I fell asleep one Saturday evening, I was battling my thoughts and praying to push past the lies of the enemy. After getting some rest, eating, and spending quiet time with the Lord the following morning (which, just ask Elijah, is often the best recipe for fighting the enemy), I found myself feeling a little better.

I settled into my usual spot and opened my journal for the first time in quite a while. Not knowing what words would flow from the pen as I picked it up, I simply began to write about the emotions that were on my heart that morning. After spilling out some words of frustration and circling around with prayer, I jotted down five words that the Lord laid on my heart: Jesus first. Everything else second. And, with that, I laid down my pen and continued to reflect on those words, as I got ready for my day.

Shortly after my journaling, I ventured off to church, settled into my seat, and prepared my heart for whatever message the Lord was to bring that day. As our pastor began to preach about the dead ends of performance, pride, and pleasure, I somehow found my mind drifting to the scene in Luke where Jesus went to pray on the Mount of Olives. When we read in Luke 22, we see that in the hours before He was to be crucified on the cross for the weight of sin for all eternity, Jesus struggled, too. Verses 41 and 42 describe the scene. “He walked away, about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. (NLT)” I love this combination of Jesus as fully God and fully man. It’s such a wonderful reminder that, always, but especially in my weak moments during battle, Jesus knows exactly how I feel.

As Jesus described in Luke 22, though He did not want to bear the cup of suffering, He recognized the act as a necessary component of carrying out the Father’s will for His life. This act of surrender was enough to save all of humanity and restore our relationship with God the Father. Though there will never be any act of surrender comparable to Jesus’, it was an acute reminder that, as I had written in my journal earlier that morning, I always want my life to reflect Jesus first and everything else second.

Suddenly, and without any conscious thought of my own, I closed my eyes during a worship song and envisioned a fire. In my heart, I saw that fire as a representation of my life and how I am living for Jesus Christ. As a single woman and follower of Christ, over the course of the last several years, I have grown spiritually far beyond what I ever thought possible. And, as a result, I am certain my fire for Jesus has burned brighter and stronger than ever before. As I watched the fire burn, the Lord spoke to my heart. In the waiting, you are giving me time to bring you someone that will be gasoline to your fire. A man who will put Jesus first and pour into your life in a way that will help your light for Me grow stronger and burn brighter. A man who is not committed to Me will be like water for your fire; it will only diminish your light for Me and lead that flame to slowly burn out over time. Continue to follow Me and I will guide and direct your steps. After visualizing this image, I heard myself whisper aloud, not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

The desires of our heart are a beautiful gift from the Lord, but nothing will ever compare to one day being in the presence of Jesus. When we choose to follow our hearts above following Jesus, it may lead us off the narrow path, straight to a dead end. So, as I walked out of church that day, my heart was abounding with hope for my future and reminding myself to stay on the narrow path, continue to believe for those desires of my heart, put Jesus first, cling to His truth, and trust that He will supply all my needs in His perfect timing—even when it doesn’t look the way I pictured it might.